This is How We’ve Always Done It

…Which isn’t an entirely true statement because assuredly there was a time when “it” was not done that way.

But no one can remember such a time and so we go on doing the same things we’ve always done because they were always so and to do otherwise would be to break the tradition that was clearly set in place by super smart, far-sighted people, setting us up for success for generations to come.

So we mustn’t change anything.

The music. You can change the music.

But only if it’s super vague, lyrically, and weak on doctrine. People like to sing about how much God loves them. And we should make it loud enough to elicit an emotional response. Whether people want it or not. People don’t get emotional in church anymore. We should make that happen. Emotions in church are good. Genuine.

The stage. You can change the stage.

It used to be called something else, but we like “stage” better and people feel more relaxed if they feel like they’re at a show. We’ll have to change the seating too - to fit with the whole entertainment theme. We find that it really helps people feel less “bad” about themselves. Something about sitting in pews makes people feel all confessional and that makes people uncomfortable. We don’t want our congregation uncomfortable.

And don’t call them a congregation.

The call for repentance. Get rid of it.

Since we don’t want anyone feeling bad, we definitely want to avoid any mention of sin. We want everyone here to feel like we think they really are Christian and there is no condemnation for Christians. So technically they can do no wrong. We also don’t need to preach the gospel or give a time of response to people that are already Christians and so, in keeping with the belief that we’re all already Christian, we should leave it out of our services.

Everything else, though. We can’t change it. It’s how we’ve always done it.

The Bible. We should probably slide that in with that discomfort clause.

A lot of the Bible makes people uncomfortable. A whole lot actually. A whole lot of the Bible makes people a whole lot of uncomfortable. Even Jesus talked more about not sinning than he did about making sure people are comfortable. So we’re not sure how we can keep preaching all the things in God’s Word without making people feel uncomfortable. But undoubtedly, Love Thy Neighbor is the super GOAT commandment, so ‘make them comfortable at all costs’ has got to be the way to go. I’m sure we can find something to replace all that uncomfortable Scripture. Funny personal stories always keep them entertained. Besides, everyone wishes they could be the preacher. I mean, at least he has to have some sort of assurance of salvation, right? I bet that’s a nice thing to have.

Now don’t change any of these things; it’s the way we’ve always done it.